Please help with following situation:
My worries started when I was maybe 17. I remember my cousin telling me about shirk and it stuck with me that maybe I had done shirk. I thought that Allah would not forgive me and that I would burn in hell forever. I had bad anxiety there and a few panic attacks. Ever since then, for ten years now, everything I do I get shirk thoughts. It is like an obsession my mind has and I fear that I doomed. When I pray, when I see something that is beautiful in nature, when I read Quran etc. I get bad thoughts and I constantly fight with them.
Then it came to a point where I thought my wudu wasn’t done properly so I would do it over and over again. I would also forget how many rakats I prayed. I always constantly play in my head the phrase, “Jesus is a prophet, and Allah is God.”
The real mess that my mind has dealt with is recently. Recently, back in last June, I went to outing with my muslim school friends. There, I made intention to be a better muslim basically reading more Quran is what I wanted to do with my life. One day, in the car, my friends mentioned something about good luck and good luck charms and how as Muslims we do not believe this, because it is shirk. I dwelled on this thought and tried to figure out if I ever did shirk. One day later, I was drinking some water and I began to choke and I grabbed my friend who was sitting next to me and immediately I had this thought in my head that I grabbed my friend because he was like a good luck charm or something. I despised this thought and said what if I believed this, I am a mushrik now.
This phase I was in, I could not sleep for days, weeks. I just stayed up at night and played games with my head and tried to figure out and reason with my head that everything was ok and that iA I wasn’t a mushrik. After this thought which I believe I was obsessed over, I had a really bad thought that I was just praying to Allah to cover myself even if Allah did not exist. I hated this thought and it would produce much anxiety to me. I thought I was a kafr. I kept trying to fight these thoughts.
Now it has gotten to the point that I think I am a kafr. My mind keeps playing these thoughts that oh, what IF God doesn’t exist, you’re just lying to yourself, you’re a hypocrite. I am trying to read more Quran and follow the path of the deen more so.
Recently, just before my nikkah, my best friend and I had a dispute and ended our friendship. For time and time, this increased my anxiety because I thought I was a loser in front of Allah and now, I did not have my best friend to console me and help me with my thoughts.
Now that I am married, one day while in New York as my wife was driving me back to airport, I had a divorce thought in my head and was overwhelmed and dwelled on the subject for weeks.
I thought I had given my wife divorce and was extremely worried because she is a good person mA and very religious. I kept reading fatwas online (askimam.org, islamqa) to see what I had possibly done. For weeks I thought about this and dwelled on whether or not I had verbally ever said anything directly or in any implication form. I was in doubt, which I always doubt very badly. I have bad vehm. I comforted myself and said that if I am in doubt, divorce did not happen. Next, I had to ask my parents if I had ever said anything like this to make sure I was ok. They said I had not. Two days ago, I took my friends phone and I went through my friends text messages and read the texts that I had sent him in order to see whether or not I had said anything wrong to him in regards to my wife. I had a fight with my wife one time over a honeymoon destination, during the time when my ex best friend was getting married. During that time, my friend had requested that everyone be at his wedding and he never invited me. I was really hurt by this and just dwelled on how this person after so many years just disregarded me and did not even invite me to his wedding.
Anyways, my wife knew that I was very hurt by my friend not inviting me and was very consumed in the waswasah that I was having. She sent me a text saying that we don’t have to go to a honeymoon place for long and that she will just go somewhere with her sisters. I just felt that she was being very selfish at the moment because I was personally dealing with a lot. I got into a fight with her and was venting to one of my other friends via text.
I told my friend in anger (not her) that to closest meaning “ I don’t want to be with her anymore. Seriously this whole thing was just forced onto me.” Also, I know it is very wrong I said my wife was a Bi***. (bad word)
This fight I had I did not even remember until recently as it popped into my head after reading the text message on my friends phone. This fight happened about 2 weeks after my marriage which was on July 31, 2015, I do not know my intention as to if this was a true intention of divorce or not. I had this fight before I consummated the marriage. I consummated the marriage on October 9th, 2015 and during this time too, all I was concerned was with the fact if I was still married or not. Am I still married is my question? Did I commit zina?
My waswasah and my vehm is really impacting me as a Muslim. Also, in time it will start to affected the loved ones around me.
الجواب وبالله التوفيق
As per the situation described in your question the text message you have sent does not constitute a divorce whether there was an intention or not. Your Nikah is still intact. You were only expressing a wish of yours.
اذا قال لا حاجۃ فیک اولا اریدک اولا احبک اولا اشتھیک او لارغبۃ لی فیک فانہ لا یقع وان نوی فی قول ابی حنیفۃ ؒ۔
(حاشیہ فتاوی محمودیہ ص ۶۰، ج۱۹، بحوالہ بحرالرائق باب الکنایات)
واللہ اعلم بالصواب